I really should listen to myself.

Why can’t I take my own advice?

I mean seriously I am such a bloody idiot.

The post I made a few days ago, inspired by an excellent yet weird drawing by Kira Scribbles, was all about not dwelling on the past, not looking back at what we can’t have, of what we have lost.

And what do I go and do? The exact bloody opposite. I barrelled straight into the past with two feet and got hit like a truck.

I won’t go into details, but I found out something about someone I lost from my life a few years ago, someone I care deeply for, and it left me feeling… I think the best way to describe it is as Ambiguous.

If you have been following me for a long time you will know that I have spoken about this person before and that I named my daughter after them.

So, last night I found something out and it genuinely hit me like a truck.

It has taken me a long, long time to move on and get to a point where I haven’t been obsessing over the past practically every damn day, now it’s more like every few months, but I seem to have had a setback.

The worst part is that no matter my feelings on the matter, I can’t contact them to say congratulations or anything at all.

That is the part that hurts the most is that, even though we don’t speak anymore, she is still one of the best friends ii have ever had in this life and I can’t be there to say anything.

If you are out there and you are reading this, I don’t know if you still check my blog from time to time, but you know who you are, I want to say I am happy for you and you will always have a place in my heart. I hope you are happy and know I’ll always be here.

I have been getting better at this whole thing now it’s going to take a few days to get my head out my arse.

But hey you have to play the hand you’re dealt sadly this round for me is a shite one so I’ll just have to tough it out.

I won’t fold, but I can’t bluff my way through either. I’ll take the hit on this hand but the next one is mine and I’m going to get something out of it and move forward with zeal.

I have a lot coming up and I’m going to focus on that and as always I have the most important thing in my life, my daughter, she is the only real thing I have and that I would do anything for, she makes my life complete and I can’t ask for more than that.

A temporary set back is all this is I’ll rebound and move on. I just had to write down these thoughts because I can’t do anything else.

Well that’s enough rambling

Take care.

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