Before you read this post, I want to say that this isn’t my usual fun post, it’s not a story, poem or anything irreverent. It is an intensely personal post about something that I have to get off my chest, its something that has been bothering me for a while and today it has come to a head. I understand if you don’t read it. I just had to get it out.
Regular service will resume soon.
I watched Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2 again today, and it got me thinking.
Through out the movie the film the central theme of the movie is a story between father and son.
When I was watching it again, this really affected me.
I don’t have much of a relationship with my father we have never been close, we don’t really talk or do anything at all together.
The only time I can ever remember doing something with him was when my grandad died when I was 18. My mum was going to the church the night before the funeral so that she could say goodbye to him and my dad took me to the pub and we played snooker.
That was Fifteen years ago.
Things have gotten better slightly recently since my daughter was born and I became a father myself.
It’s one of those things that I have lived with for a long time that I won’t ever have a relationship with him, things happened years ago that destroyed any chance of that, I’m not going to go into that.
****SPOILERS, IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL 2 GO TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH****
So, when I was watching the film, Peter Quill meets his biological father who is a planet, who killed his mother and wants to use him to take over the galaxy. He was a psychotic planet who wants to kill everyone.
Whereas Yondu, who Kidnapped him from earth, raised him, beat him, threatened him and basically tortured him his entire life was his real father. He loved him and would do anything for him. To the point where at the end of the film he sacrificed his life to save him then having the last line of “He may have been your father, but he wasn’t your daddy.”
The song Father and Son by Cat Stephens plays over the funeral scene, and it actually brought me to tears.
When I watched this again, it really hit me hard that I don’t have that kind of relationship with anyone. I know that it is highly unlikely that I will ever be in that kind of situation but what I mean is that I have never felt that kind of love from someone.
I have never thought “that person would lay down their life for me.”
There are people that I would do that for. There are people that I love so much in my life that I would completely lay down my life to protect them. No questions asked I would just do it.
Becoming a father has changed who I am, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to protect my daughter. She is the only thing that matters I love her more than anything in existence. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her.
I now understand that feeling, there is nothing more primal than the feeling of wanting to protect your child. To love them unconditionally, there is really nothing like that.
I recognise that feeling now, and I can see it in others. I have always had the ability to read people incredibly well. All it takes for me to get the measure of someone is one conversation, and I can tell you exactly what that person is like.
When I know someone well I can even tell if there is something wrong with them simply from a text message. I don’t know how I can do this but I can.
(although I do have a blind spot when it comes to women that I have feelings for, I learned that the hard way)
The only times I have been hurt by this is when I have ignored my initial gut feeling on someone. But that’s a story for another time.
My point is that I don’t see that emotion in my own father, looking back over my life I have never once felt that feeling or connection to my own father that I have felt with others.
I felt it with my grandad before he died and my uncle, again before he died. Both were huge influences in my life, I could talk to them about absolutely anything and have no fear about anything. But never once, in my entire life have I felt this with my own dad.
I can’t describe how much this hurts, I am 33 now, I am married and have a child of my own. But it still hurts to feel like my own father doesn’t care about me.
This is probably the first time I have ever really gone into detail about this anywhere. It’s hard to admit it, but there is genuinely no relationship there at all. And it is not just me my older sister feels the same way, neither of us has a relationship with him.
There was one night many, many years ago when he was drunk and he was talking to my sister, and he said to her “never have kids, they just ruin your life.”
What scares me most is that I end up having the same kind of non-existent relationship with my own daughter.
If that ever happened, I don’t know if I could live with that.
We learn how to be parents from what we learn growing up with our own parents, it a bad system and how do we stop from acting out the same patterns when that is all that we know?
I have been concentrating so hard recently on not letting my wife turn out like her parents, who treated her like a slave, didn’t care and only got interested in her since our daughter was born (on a side note they have always hated me and as far as I am concerned if I never saw them again I wouldn’t give a crap)
I have been concentrating on this so hard that I haven’t stopped to consider that I could end up like my own father.
This is something that I have carried with me for so long now that I don’t think that things will ever change between us and quite frankly I have given up hoping for it to change. Life will just continue the same as it always has.
I don’t quite know how to end this post so ill just end it with two pictures
The first is my daughter and me the day she was born, and the other is a picture I took yesterday.
Thanks for reading this.