So today was my 33rd birthday, so naturally, I have spent the day thinking about the changes in my life and what I have achieved.
A lot has changed in the last 12 months but some things haven’t. The obvious change is that I now have my daughter in my life and I can’t imagine a world without her now. She is my world and I love her more every single day.
Some other things have changed that I’m not overly thrilled at. My back is now defective and spasms wildly in agony whenever it feels like it.
I found some white hair in my beard, that was depressing.
But something haven’t changed outside of my home life, which isn’t always the best, apart from my daughter, I’m not happy in life. I have a few friends that I talk to often but I don’t have many that I would call close friends and the ones that I do forgot it was my birthday until I mentioned it.
There are people, or a person, out there who I had hoped to hear from, someone that meant the world to me and still does but alas people have moved on with their lives and I am happy for them, I don’t know if they have just forgotten about me completely or if contacting me would be too painful. But if you are reading this, and you know who you are, I miss you.
I am not working just now and that has sapped my motivation, and time, to write anything. Many of you many have noticed I haven’t published any stories for a while. That’s the reason. I’ve got nothing my brain is kaput I may have lost the ability all together.
I haven’t made any further progress with trying to get my book published, and after the scam I almost fell for I’m feeling a little gun shy.
I have had some people helping me with editing it and being beta readers.
I know you are probably reading this and I want to apologise for wasting your time. I haven’t had time to look over the edits you sent me and I haven’t sent anymore chapters on, I apologise for this and ask for patience but see above. I am just not in a good place writing wise just now.
So the thought of trying to send my novel off to others has gotten me scared.
There are other things that have been going through my mind today but those are things too dark to be written about here.
Birthdays are supposed to be about celebrating the past and the future but right now I don’t know where I am going.
I’m losing my identity.
Tonight for example. I was talking to someone who is hurting and in trouble. I offered to help, give then someone to talk to, to listen to them and possibly help guide them through the darkness they are in, I’ve been there myself so I know how hard it is, and all I got back in return was attitude. So quite frankly I give up. I’m not doing it anymore there are I only so many times you can be used as a punching bag and I’m done with it.
I’m not going to put myself out there anymore it’s not worth the effort
It gets you thinking. Where do we go from here?
I did get a couple of thoughtful gifts for my birthday firstly
It’s a scrap book. It’s filled with pics of the baby, me when I was a baby my grandad who died 15 years ago and some others of me growing up. I wasn’t expecting the picture of my grandad. He died when I was 18 and it hit me Hard. It just wasn’t something that I was expecting.
After 15 years to come across this picture of my grandad in a scrap book my wife, who never met him, was overwhelming and I’ll admit I started crying
This man was the best man I will ever know, I try to live up to the examples he left me but it’s hard. I’ll never be the man he was but god dammit I’ll try
The other thing I got was this. My new favourite mug
I just couldn’t ask for more.
So all in all it’s be an, internally, turbulent day.
I hope the next 12 months are differnt and that I can get back in track with things. But I’ll need to wait and see
Have a good day folks.
By the way before I go. Here is me at 9 months with my sister
My daughter looks so much like me it’s scary.