I’m inside my head again and its rambling in there again

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently about who I am now, it’s a tough question a lot has changed not only in the last six months but in the last few years.

I am not the same person I was back then, but in part I am, and in part, I’m not.

Due to a lot of things that happened when I was around 18 I had to grow up really fast, and since then it has felt like the world has been on my shoulders and there has been no one to help me with it.

It’s my burden to bare, and no one else can help me. It’s like the story of Atlas from Greek mythology. The Titan was cursed to hold up the sky for eternity to keep it crashing down around everyone else.

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It’s a role I’ve played for so long that I can’t remember a time that I wasn’t doing this.

A couple of years ago someone came along who, for a short but meaningful time, made that burden easier to bear. But at the end of the day, it is still there, I’m still holding the world on my shoulders.

It’s a hard thing to do, and it feels like it’s getting heavier.

 

So how do you know who you are in life? I used to know then boom everything changed.

At one point in my life I thought I was completely incapable of feeling love, I had affection for people, but love? I had no idea what that really felt like. Then I met her, and everything changed. For the first time in my life, I knew what love felt like in the end the pain came in when it was over, and the pain and the love are still there. Anyone who has truly loved someone and lost them will know what I mean about this pain. It burns deep inside.

Everyone has heard the lines from the poem by Tennyson

I hold it true, whate’er befall;

I feel it when I sorrow most;

‘Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

 

Now I don’t know how I feel about these lines. Would it have been better to have never known love and not feel the pain?

Or have known what it is like to love and have been loved in return and live with the pain?

It’s an interesting conundrum that I have been pondering for a while now.

 

Ok so I seem to have gone a little off topic I don’t know who I am anymore is what I’ve been thinking about. So far this is the partial list I have come up with in no particular order:

  • A father
  • A husband
  • A brother
  • A son
  • A friend
  • A (wannabe) writer
  • A screw-up
  • A lost love
  • A provider
  • A worker
  • A blogger
  • A film geek
  • A client
  • A helper
  • A reader
  • Someone who stands up for anyone
  • Someone who will help anyone
  • And the person who has the world on his shoulders.

 

I am so confused, and I have been thinking about this for a long time, and I am no further forward.

Tonight I am having an “Inside my head” night. These are never good, and it usually ends up with me going to the dark places.

I know that I take on too much at one time, but I can’t help it, it’s who I am.

I don’t really have many people I can talk to about this. I don’t have a lot of friends and most of the ones I do have live in different countries.

One of my best friends recently lost someone close to them, and I felt powerless to do anything to comfort her. All I wanted to do was hug her to comfort her but I can’t.

 

And this got me thinking, “What good am I?” and “Has anything I have ever done in my life actually mattered?”

Now I’m not talking about my daughter here, she is absolutely the most important and best thing in my life and possibly the one good thing I have done with my life, and I will continue to do everything humanly possible for her.

So what have I done with my life that is any good?

The answer to that is simply I don’t know.

I have asked a couple of my friends to describe me in a few words, and this has literally just come in as I’m writing this, they described as “Honest, Sarcastic and someone who cares deeply for the very few people I let in.”

That has actually made me feel better.

You know I really don’t know where I am going with writing this but it is just coming out of the ramblings inside my head, and I wanted to try and put them down on paper (or virtual paper in this case)

I think ill try and go to sleep now

 

If you have read this, I am sorry for wasting your time.

11 responses to “I’m inside my head again and its rambling in there again

  1. Ahhh….finding yourself! I know these ruminations well. I know you’ve done your MBTI type but have you ever done DISC as well? I like this one https://www.tonyrobbins.com/disc/ I also recommend doing the values one too. Personal development is a great interest of mine, happy to chat anytime. Be kind to yourself, always 🙂

    Like

  2. I am sorry for being late on commenting this post… Yesterday was bad for me too, so maybe it was all for the best that we didn’t communicate lol.

    I understand your feelings, but (since I am so much older, and therefor so much wiser than you…. Mouhahhahahha) I always force myself to think if I hadn’t made the choices I did, I’d probably be a less interresting person… We live, we make choices, we make mistakes…. and we have to live with them.

    Write to me if you want to let off some more steam…. Or just discuss more personally 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your thoughts. I don’t know if I would be the same person but I probably wouldn’t be as fucked up as I am.

      We all make choices, you’re right, we have to live with those choices.

      I was having an in my head day when I wrote this and I’ll admit I went to the dark places. Never good. But I’m alright now.

      Still it was a hard time and as for being more wise? Age doesn’t determine wisdom. I count wisdom in one way.
      How many of your wisdom teeth do you have?

      Liked by 2 people

        • Mwhahahahahahahaha I have all four. Therefor I am four times more wise.
          Mwhahahahahahahaha.

          On a side note, if possible, can you explain why every single Canadian I have ever met has had their wisdom teeth removed?
          I don’t get it

          Liked by 1 person

          • 4 X 0 = ? (I rest my case… smartass! LOL)

            It is a very common thing here… I know that dentists usually remove them so they don’t squeeze in the others when they grow, screwing one’s smile… But you might have just uncovered a large Canadian-dentist scam!!! LOL

            Liked by 1 person

            • It’s not that kind of multiple 😛 see instill win.
              Must be all this wisdom. 🤣

              It’s not something that is common here it’s just not done for no reason. If they cause issues then yes remove them but they are there for a reason. It seems insane to me to take them out for nothing.
              I know people complain about them causing pain when coming in but I think i am the only person, that I know of, who got all my wisdom teeth in with no pain or issues at all they just appeared

              I think your right. I think i have discovered a huge conspiracy run by the Canadian dental association.

              🤔🤔🤔🤔

              This needs investigating
              🕵️‍♀️🕵️‍♀️🕵️‍♀️🕵️‍♀️🕵️‍♀️🕵️‍♀️🕵️‍♀️🕵️‍♀️🕵️‍♀️

              Liked by 1 person

            • Mouahahahahahah (evil laugh) I’m calling my local newspaper!! Your face will be on all the covers!! Canadians’ Scottish Savior!!

              That should impress “somebody” 😉

              Liked by 1 person

            • Hahaha you should do that I’ll be famous.

              It probably would impress “somebody” although “somebody” and I did once have this conversation so is already aware of this conspiracy. I fact that was when I started to discover it

              Liked by 1 person

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