I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently about who I am now, it’s a tough question a lot has changed not only in the last six months but in the last few years.
I am not the same person I was back then, but in part I am, and in part, I’m not.
Due to a lot of things that happened when I was around 18 I had to grow up really fast, and since then it has felt like the world has been on my shoulders and there has been no one to help me with it.
It’s my burden to bare, and no one else can help me. It’s like the story of Atlas from Greek mythology. The Titan was cursed to hold up the sky for eternity to keep it crashing down around everyone else.
It’s a role I’ve played for so long that I can’t remember a time that I wasn’t doing this.
A couple of years ago someone came along who, for a short but meaningful time, made that burden easier to bear. But at the end of the day, it is still there, I’m still holding the world on my shoulders.
It’s a hard thing to do, and it feels like it’s getting heavier.
So how do you know who you are in life? I used to know then boom everything changed.
At one point in my life I thought I was completely incapable of feeling love, I had affection for people, but love? I had no idea what that really felt like. Then I met her, and everything changed. For the first time in my life, I knew what love felt like in the end the pain came in when it was over, and the pain and the love are still there. Anyone who has truly loved someone and lost them will know what I mean about this pain. It burns deep inside.
Everyone has heard the lines from the poem by Tennyson
I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
Now I don’t know how I feel about these lines. Would it have been better to have never known love and not feel the pain?
Or have known what it is like to love and have been loved in return and live with the pain?
It’s an interesting conundrum that I have been pondering for a while now.
Ok so I seem to have gone a little off topic I don’t know who I am anymore is what I’ve been thinking about. So far this is the partial list I have come up with in no particular order:
- A father
- A husband
- A brother
- A son
- A friend
- A (wannabe) writer
- A screw-up
- A lost love
- A provider
- A worker
- A blogger
- A film geek
- A client
- A helper
- A reader
- Someone who stands up for anyone
- Someone who will help anyone
- And the person who has the world on his shoulders.
I am so confused, and I have been thinking about this for a long time, and I am no further forward.
Tonight I am having an “Inside my head” night. These are never good, and it usually ends up with me going to the dark places.
I know that I take on too much at one time, but I can’t help it, it’s who I am.
I don’t really have many people I can talk to about this. I don’t have a lot of friends and most of the ones I do have live in different countries.
One of my best friends recently lost someone close to them, and I felt powerless to do anything to comfort her. All I wanted to do was hug her to comfort her but I can’t.
And this got me thinking, “What good am I?” and “Has anything I have ever done in my life actually mattered?”
Now I’m not talking about my daughter here, she is absolutely the most important and best thing in my life and possibly the one good thing I have done with my life, and I will continue to do everything humanly possible for her.
So what have I done with my life that is any good?
The answer to that is simply I don’t know.
I have asked a couple of my friends to describe me in a few words, and this has literally just come in as I’m writing this, they described as “Honest, Sarcastic and someone who cares deeply for the very few people I let in.”
That has actually made me feel better.
You know I really don’t know where I am going with writing this but it is just coming out of the ramblings inside my head, and I wanted to try and put them down on paper (or virtual paper in this case)
I think ill try and go to sleep now
If you have read this, I am sorry for wasting your time.