Today I don’t feel like myself, for some reason I feel down and distant.
Its as if something is missing in my life, I just don’t feel happy at all.
So it probably wasn’t a great idea watching Pixars Inside Out.
For anyone who hasn’t seen it, it is the story of a young girl named Riley and the emotions that control her. It sounds bad when you put it like that. But it is a very emotional and important film.
At its heart it’s about growing up and accepting that things change and that being sad is not always a bad thing.
With how I’m feeling these days it was hard to keep myself from breaking down in tears **spoilers** especially when Bing Bong sacrifices himself to save Joy.
This is a very important lesson for kids to learn that’s its alright to be sad and upset.
I genuinely think that this film should be taught in schools. It is fundamental to growing up.
That being said it got me thinking. In the film each person is controlled by five emotions Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger and Disgust.
When we are young it tends to be Joy/Happiness that is our primary emotion then the rest come in as we grow and depending on your personality one emotion becomes more prevalent than the others but they all, for the most part, work in harmony and balance.
Now I know there are more than just five emotions but for this comparison and for simplicity sake I’m going to stick with the five.
When we are young all five are fighting for control and that could explain why kids are all over the place.
But they settle down when we get older, this got me thinking what is my over riding emotion. Which one is in control of my console.
And thinking about it I have to admit that it’s between Sadness and Anger.
I’m pretty sure that my Joy has been gagged and bound somewhere in the depths of my mind somewhere.
I have said before that I don’t think that I know how to be happy. And I feel like this is only getting worse the older I get.
I know that this isn’t how I want to be, especially around my daughter, but I can’t be happy. But I want to be.
When I lost someone important to me a couple of years ago I think that’s when my Joy was gagged, bound and thrown in the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind.
Its been since then that my emotions have been practically on the surface at all times.
I used to be able to bottle everything up and bury then deep down inside me.
But now it doesn’t take much to set me off. I pretty much always feel sad and lonely and on the verge of breaking down.
I have never been ashamed of my emotions but I try to hide them because I have always been the one other’s turn to so I hide them away.
But deep down I feel lost and like I’m struggling to find out who I am. This morning for absolutely no reason, before I watched the film, I just wanted to start crying so watching the film was bad idea.
I don’t know what to do anymore I want to be happy but I just can’t. I know the one thing that would make me happy but I can’t have that in my life. The choices were made and I regret them, I regret that choice every day but it’s done now and there is no going back.
Thats part if why I wrote my book it was a way to deal with those feelings but now I don’t know what to do.
Happiness/Joy isn’t part of my makeup anymore and I don’t know how to change that.