Creeping Darkness

Today hasn’t been a good day.

I feel like I just want to scream.

I got up and went to work, but all day I have had absolutely no motivation or energy. My brain has been going to the bad places, and I’ve been feeling really down.

Haven’t wanted to eat or drink, only did it because I had to. Every little thing has been pissing me off, and I don’t know why. Nothing has motivated me at all, even when I got home, I didn’t want to come in, so I just sat in the car for five minutes and smoked.

Then when I was finished, I did come in and as expected the little one was crying, again.

She screams all the time, and I don’t know what to do. Nothing will make her stop. She hardly sleeps, during the day she is awake most of the time, and she just refuses to go to sleep, and as much as I love her, it’s grating on my last nerve.

Things haven’t been great at home lately, not counting the baby screaming. Don’t get me wrong when she’s not she is all smiles and makes my heart melt. But things have been hard the last few weeks, and I am wondering if its all worth it.

The darkness feels like it’s creeping back into my soul, I feel like giving up, nothing I do it good enough and it’s a real struggle.

I’m not looking for any sympathy from anyone or even if anyone will read this but I have to get it out.

It’s just that life isn’t supposed to be this hard!

I just want something to break my way, people come to me for advice all the time, and I love helping them and making sure that they are all right and my friends who need me I’m always there. I know that they are there for me as well in the same way, but I can’t bring myself to lay my problems on them when I know what they have going on in their lives, even when I do I feel guilty and end up apologising to them.

I can feel the darkness seeping back, last time I was in a bad way, and I don’t want to go there again, I can’t.

Before I could distract myself with writing, it helped me have a release, but now I have no time to write, so it’s getting harder to deal with it.

I just don’t know what to do.

In some things, the trust is gone, and that is hard to deal with, I’m on edge and always looking over my shoulder.

I just wish things would be easier. Life shouldn’t be this hard, just once can’t things go my way? Can’t I get what I want? Can’t I catch a break?

Even simple things always go wrong. Apart from my daughter, it seems like the only thing I have going right in my life is this blog.

I just need to catch a break. Is that really too much to ask for?

3 responses to “Creeping Darkness

  1. Argh, I hate finding this kind of comment weeks after they’ve been posted. I know how life can be a pain in the a** sometimes, and how everything can seem to be going the wrong way all at once.

    The little one’s constant crying is certainly not helping either. I can only imagine (I don’t have children of my own) how stressing and frustrating it can be, not knowing what she needs…

    I don’t know if she has stopped whining since you wrote your post, but in case the crying hasn’t stopped just yet, here’s the trick my parents used with my little brother… The only way they found to stop the tears was to take him in the car and drive around for a while or just let it run in the drive way. I guess the vibration and the humming of the engine just lulled him. Not quite environment-friendly, but if it can save you a nervous breakdown…

    I hope this is all behind you by now, but I’m sending warm thoughts, just in case it wouldn’t…

    🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for what you have said and for the warm thoughts.
      Taking her out in the car does work but only temporarly as soon as i get home with her she startes up again.

      i actually figured out why all of a sudden she would scream when she seen me. It was the beard. i hadnt shaved for a while and had a full beard on she didnt like it. i shaved and she stopped screaming

      Liked by 1 person

      • I have to say… Even if it isn’t funny when you really think about it, it made me giggle to think this cute little thing just didn’t like your beard 😉 Aren’t we girls just a pain “you know where”, no matter the age? 😛

        I am really glad shaving solved your problem… I wish shaving my legs or my armpits could arrange stuff in my life too 😉

        Like

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