Doubt is one of the strongest forces in life that will hold you back from achieving what you want to do in life.
Whiter it is going for a new job or leaving everything behind for the one you love. Doubt will always be there to hold you back. If you let it hold you back from what you want it will always play on your mind as a huge regret in your life.
I am currently filled with doubt when it comes to certain aspects of life, and I am trying to overcome it so that I won’t have more regrets in my life. There is only so many regrets that one person can live with.
The doubts plaguing me at the moment are big ones, the first is about being a father, I love my daughter more than anything else in this world, but there is still the doubts creeping in the back of my mind that I’m going to fuck up and do something to ruin her life. I know that this is a stupid thing to worry about but it’s the voice in the back of my mind that keeps saying these things to me, I call him Harvey.
He’s a malicious bastard that keeps pointing out things I’m doing wrong; he lives in the part of my brain that hates me. He is the one that, when I’m having a hard time decides to compound it by whispering in my ear “Hey, you haven’t thought about this for a while. Here is a huge reminder of the things that you have fucked up before in your life.” (and believe me there are a lot of them)
So when it comes to my daughter, last night is a good example of this. She wouldn’t stop screaming, and no matter what I did she just wouldn’t stop. But my wife took her off my hands, and she settled down immediately.
Enter Harvey, telling me that it’s all my fault, that I’m the reason that she was screaming all the time and that its always going to be this way. It’s not an easy thing to deal with, and last night I gave into this feeling and gave up and went to my bed.
It’s not a good thing to have given into, but that’s the way it is.
Anyone with children will be able to tell you how heart-wrenching this can be and just how easy it is to give into this feeling, it’s horrible.
The other thing that is plaguing me right now is about my book. I have finished writing it and as far as I can see is ready to be submitted to agents/publishers. Nothing is holding me back now.
Enter Harvey, the prick, he’s going a dance on the grave of my confidence and singing a little song telling me that my book is shit and that no one is ever going to want to pick it up and that I have wasted my time writing it in the first place.
This is actually a little ironic considering a big part of my book is the main character overcoming self-doubt and getting the confidence he needs to…. well I won’t finish that sentence. Spoilers.
So, on the one hand, I have had everyone who has read anything I’ve written telling me that its great and should be read by more people. On the other, there is Harvey, telling me that they are just being nice and really I’m wasting my time, that I have no talent. He also keeps echoing the words of the Careers Advisor I met with at school when I was 15, “You are the type of person who will only write as a hobby, you will never make a career of it” Well fuck you too person I had never met before in my life. I admit that this has always been in the back of my head and it took 15 years before I started writing again. That’s what doubt will do to you.
So this voice of doubt is something that everyone has, and it’s the determination to get passed it that is the challenge.
At the end of 2015 I was in a dangerous way, I was in the throes of depression and anxiety and seeing a therapist, (after a friend of mine gave me I kick in the arse and told me I needed help. If you are reading this, you know who you are, I can never thank you enough for that, and you really did save my life). At that point I was really in a bad way, and I have written about this before and won’t go into the details again, but the therapist I was seeing told me to imagine a different voice in my head (who ever heard of a therapist wanting to put more voices in your head????) to battle Harvey and tell me that I am not useless and that things will work out.
I chose the voice of the same person that helped me see I needed help. This is something that has contributed to battle the doubt in my mind caused by Harvey, but there are times that when Harvey is a lot louder and convincing.
It’s an uphill battle that will always be there.
So there we go.
How do you deal with doubt and that voice in your head? I’d really like to hear others thoughts on this.