Pending Fatherhood & Fears

This week is a big week for me in my life. As I’ve said before in my posts, my wife is pregnant with our first child and to say that I’m a little nervous would be the understatement of the century. We had a scan this week, and I got to see the wee one again for the second time, and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. Of course, me being me made a joke to hid the emotion burning through me (it wasn’t even a good joke). It is going to be much worse on Saturday when we go for the gender scan and find out what it is, I am 100% convinced it’s a girl and have been from the start (Although if it’s a dragon that would be freaking awesome.)

People keep telling me that I will be an amazing father, but I don’t see it. I think that I will eventually mess up and do something to ruin the kid’s life.

I know that this is just my paranoid brain taking over and whispering in my ear, I’ve been trying to control this for a while, but it’s not easy.

I’ve been told that once the baby is born, that’s when you can feel the love for the little one. Women get the better end of the stick on this one, they feel every movement of the baby even if some of it is uncomfortable. They can bond with the baby on a level that I can’t even comprehend.

I feel a deeper love for this child than I have felt for anything in my life, I’ve always been really reserved in my emotions, except for anger that can come to me really easily, I never thought that I was capable of loving something as much as I love this little unborn baby.

I have never wanted to have children, but I have been told from a very young age that since I am the only male in the family, all my cousins are girls, that I have to have kids to carry on the family name. Thanks for that, great pressure to put on a kid when he’s only thirteen and only just then taking an interest in girls. Way to put added stress on him. Bravo Family.

So this is part of the reason as to why I never wanted to have children, that I generally I don’t like children. I don’t get on with them, and they just make screeching noises that grates on my nerves.

But now…nothing that has happened in my life has prepared me for this!

I love this baby with everything that I have, and I will do anything to make her/him happy, safe and protected.

It scares me the state of the world just now and knowing that i am almost solely responsible for this life. All i can say is not even God will be able to help anyone that harms my child in anyway.

How do you know the right thing to do? How can you instil good values into them? I see all these bratty little shits of kids these days, and it makes me shudder.

I know I’ll make mistakes going forward, I know I’m not going to be a perfect father, I’ll make mistakes. I will probably drop the kid a few times (babies bounce, right?) but I want to do my best to be there and protect her (Like a said I think it’s a girl)

I’m just scared that it won’t be enough and that I’ll never be able to do all that I want to.

On a slight side note my wife, our friends and I, went to Comic Con on Saturday, and I spent so much money on stuff under the heading “For the babies room” this kid has absolutely no chance of not growing up to be a geek.

pop-vs-geek1

Has anyone else gone through this and had the same fears?
How did you deal with it?

-C

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